25 Things

In the past few days, I have been reading entries by my favorite bloggers similary titled 25 Things. I'm riding the bandwagon so I am writing my own version.

1. I have been depressed for a long time. About 20 years. At one point in my life, when it seemed I couldn't take it anymore, I saw a psychiatrist for counselling. We had about 6 sessions before I dropped out, first for a trip abroad and second because I decided I had to beat this thing, depression, on my own--without the aid of anti-depressants, tranquilizers and muscle relaxants and without the comforting words of the shrink during our sessions.

2. I stayed in the seminary for almost eight years (4 years high school and 3 and a half years college). I had wanted to become a priest, but the realization that with my sexuality I wouldn't become the kind of priest I had wanted myself to be, I had to abandon the idea. I knew that once I become a priest and assigned alone to a distant parish, I would become very lonely and would not be able to fight off the temptations of the flesh.

3. After nine years and three universities, I finally completed a four-year course, AB Philosophy and English.

4. I am into sports, very competitive at many events (basketball, tennis, pingpong, volleyball, badminton, etc.) not because of superior athleticism but more because of sports intelligence and wisdom. When I play, I turn the highly physical activity into one that is more of a mental endeavor. This is why I love coaching basketball because it becomes a puzzle to be solved.

5. I am a voyeur. I enjoy watching dicks of people urinating, of men having sex with their dongs exposed to me and without their knowing thay they are being observed. The level of arousal is so much lower when people intentionally show their dicks to me, or they perform sex knowing that someone was looking at them. I have been a voyeur since I was 5 or 6 years old. I remember one time at about this age running home, very scared that a neighbor, a respected high school teacher in his forties, found out that I was doing a peeping tom on him while he was taking a bath only in his briefs outdoors, by the jetmatic pump erected at the back of his house. He moved as if he sensed that someone was watching him, so I ran the hell out of my position towards home. Luckily, he didn't seem to have noticed me. Or perhaps, he just let it go. Either way, I was thankful.

6. I cummed first when I was in Grade 3. I had a peculiar way of stimulating myself which allowed me to come even without an erection and without doing a hand job on my member. I'd lie fully-clothed face down on a hard surface, gently rubbing my dick against the surface and letting my imagination do the rest. Even with people around, I could do this as long as they're not closely observing me. In three to five minutes, I'd be done.

7. I never had a wet dream.

8. I neither drink nor smoke. Even in social functions, I refuse to take a sip. When I was in the high school seminary and I had decided to become a priest, I said to myself that I would never give in to peer pressure. My friends and even some priests I respected (and respect until now) tried to coax me into trying these stuffs but I wouldn't waver on my resolve. However, I tried drinking at one point in my life, when I was already out of the seminary and well into my 20's. Out of curiousity. I drank with friends (who were just too happy to have me as a drinking buddy, finally) three-days-a-week for almost one month. One very bad case of vomitting after a drinking session and a terrible hangover afterwards would cut short my career as a drunkard.

9. I love eating. If I ever had a vice, this is it. I am a compulsive eater, however. The more stressed I am, the bigger my appetite becomes. When I am troubled, my body on a 5' 8" frame balloons and hovers between 95 and 99 kilograms. My breakfast, by the way, is not complete without a mug of non-fat milk.

10. I treasure these values--sincerity, honesty, generosity, fairness and kindness.

11. I find it very difficult to lie.

12. I won't do any household chore if I can help it. (In the province, we have a household help who'll do everything for me. And even if she's absent, my mother and my sister will be there for me to fill in for her. Here in Manila (I live with two of my sisters), we don't have any help so I am forced into doing it. Hu hu hu) I hate manual work and I'm afflicted with a syndrome which makes me believe that I'm far too important a person to be made to do manual work.

13. I don't wear any jewelry. I don't even have a wristwatch now (since my mobile phone has a clock and using it has rendered the wearing of wristwatch unnecessary).

14. I am good at written examinations:
NCEE= 99+
CSAT= 94
Civil Service Eligibiltiy Rating= 94.32

15. The sea and bodies of water have a very soothing effect on me when I'm in trouble. In my down moments, I love walking at the sea shore taking in the sound of waves breaking, the feel of the sea breeze blowing in my face and the sight of the sky meeting the sea at the horizon. The walk calms the spirit and reinvigorates the soul, making me ready to face life again.

16. My threshold for pain is low. Both for physical and emotional pain. I get hurt easily. But I am a forgiving person, always believing in the innate goodness of people.

17. I'm a procrastinator and, therefore, I'm always late for appointments. At one point in my life, I became convinced that I could not be happy in this life since I was gay. Because of this, I lost all the energy for meeting deadlines, keeping appointments on time. Why the rush when that wouldn't make me any happier? Why the rush when I would be disappointed anyway? (The pessimistic outlook, however, is changing now. For the better.)

18. I'm always sleep-deprived, getting an average of only 4 hours a night. I sleep very late (1-2 am) because all my troubles and worries descend upon me when I am already in bed. And I easily get roused from sleep. If awakened outside of my waking time, I'll find falling back asleep again a gargantuan task.
Sometimes, I take a tranquilizer to fall asleep. But not often enough to get addicted to it.

19. I love music. But don't ask me for lyrics of songs. What appeals to me is the melody of a song, not its lyrics. Even if I have listened to a song a hundred times, I wouldn't be able to piece together the lines if asked to. I really make no effort to memorize the lines of the songs I love.

20. I am not a fan of chatting via text. Text-chatting takes away my precious option of ignoring a sent item I don't like and don't feel like responding to.

21. I am a hypochondriac.

22. In my forty years of existence, I have never had a romantic relationship.

23. I was once a somnambulist. When I was in grade three, I used to walk in my sleep in the middle of the night. Good that all of us, the six members of my family (my parents and sisters), shared one big room. They would wake up before I could get out of the room (or crash into the wall, or jump off the window, or get a kitchen knife and harm someone, etc.).

24. I prefer a good conversation to a good sex.

25. I am very insecure. I always feel that I'm never good enough. Consider this: I am supposed to have an IQ of 147, classified as superior (higher than the above average category but only one notch immediately below the genius level), but I feel I always have to prove to people that I am intelligent.