Remembering A Failed Relationship (2)

Dear Friend,

Matagal ko ng balak sumagot dito sa email mo pero magulo ang isip ko kaya pinagpaliban ko muna.

Bago ang lahat, ibig kong malaman mo na pagkatapos kong pindutin and SEND button, ako ay nag-log off at pumunta ng Cubao dahil may inuutos ang ate ko. Kasalanan ko at hindi ako nagtext sayo na offline na ako at sana hindi ka na naghintay na sagutin ang mga tanong mo. Akala ko kasi maliwanag na mag-eemail lang ako saiyo ng saloobin ko at hindi tayo magchachat o mag-uusap sa paraan ng pag-email. Ang nais ko kasi noon, mabasa mo ang aking saloobin at maintindihan ng maigi. Sa aking palagay, medyo mabigat at malalim ang aking binitiwang mga salita sa aking email at kailangan mo ng kaunting panahon para pag-isipan at magnilaynilay dito. Hindi ako umasang makakatanggap ng agarang sagot mula sayo. Kaya laking gulat ko nang mabasa ko kinagabihan ang lima (5) mong email.

wow ur great so may i know ur decision now do you accept me or not, do u love me or not i must be honest mahal kita not 4 physical but within i felt that way can u blame me for that ,, i appreciate ur kindness ur utterances wow very impressive and substancial ... i love u more for that ... pero speecheless na yata me. if u do not like me .... then i have to accept my limitations.....(5:54 pm)

may i know if i have space in ur heart (5:57pm)

friend tel me honestly.....(6:03pm)

do i have space in ur heart pls tel me to be able to know what to do i now uv been searching for the perfect one for sure im not perfect..may i know ... ur decision (6:06 pm)

tnks 4 everything silence means yes.....thanks 4 d memories ... bye fren u wont hear me no more... happy new year(6:15 pm)

Inaamin ko nasaktan ako. Ang pakiramdam ko ako ang naglalabas ng sama ng loob at ng hinaing pero ako pa ang nabigyan ng ULTIMATUM. At nagalit din ako kaya minabuti kong huwag munang sumagot .

Ang unang email ay pumasok ng 5:54 pm at ang huli ay 6:15 pm. Sa loob ng 21 minuto ay nagdesisyon kang tapusin na ang lahat sa atin. Ang tanong ko noon sa aking sarili: ang hangganan ba ng iyong pakikipagkaibigan o pagmamahal sa akin ay 21 minuto lamang?

Ang isa pang ikinasama ng aking loob ay ang laman ng unang email. wow ur great...ang bungad nito. Pinuri nito ang aking English ngunit hindi naman binigyan pansin at halaga ang laman ng aking sulat.

so may i know ur decision now do you accept me or not, do u love me or not ang sumunod na linya ng unang email. Inaamin ko nadismaya ako. At naalala ko ang isang linya ng awiting Sound of Silence ng Simon and Garfunkel: "...people hearing without listening..." Ang pakiramdam ko ako ay naririnig pero hindi pinapakinggan.

Paulitulit na akong nagsabi sa text, sa tawag at sa email na "I LIKE you very much but i can't say that i love you yet for love takes time to develop" kaya hindi ko inaasahan na ako ay tatanungin ng "Do you love me or not?"

Sa tanong na "do you accept me or not" ang sagot dito ay makikita doon mismo sa email ko: "No, i'm not closing my doors to whatever it is that is between us."

At hanggang ngayon sa araw na ito, iyan pa rin ang aking posisyon. Bukas pa rin saiyo. At iyan ang magsisilbing kasagutan sa tanong mo na "may i know if i have space in ur heart."

Ewan ko kung saan patungo ito. Pero maliwanag na hindi madali sa atin ang magkaroon ng ugnayan dahil marami tayong hindi pagkakasunduan. Ngunit kung handa naman ang bawat isa na magsakripisyo at sikaping palaguin ang relasyon, sa tingin ko lalago naman ito.

Hindi ko alam kung sasagot ka sa email na ito. Pero kung gagawin mo, sana'y hayaan mo munang dumaan ang ilang araw nang sa gayon ay mapag-isipan mo talaga ang iyong sagot at hindi lamang masulat dala ng bugso ng damdamin.

Anuman ang mangyari, may sagot ka man o wala, mananatili kang isang kaibigan.

The Little Prine

Remembering A Failed Relationship

Dear Friend,

Until now, I can't make heads or tails of what happened today between the two of us. I woke up this morning to a very inspiring message on my phone from you. I thought we had started the day right. But, boy, was I wrong!

We chatted on YM as if we had all the time in the world for idle talk. Until that fateful comment I made when you called me mahal. I said, "You always amuse me when you refer to me as mahal. I don't completely believe it. We have known each other for barely two weeks."

I can't remember the exact words of your response. But the tone said it all. You were hurting. In fact, the last line of your reply was "last tx".

That you ended the chat abruptly, stopped viewing me on my webcam and signed out of YM without even waiting for me to say my piece was, at the least, rude.

And then your text messages came in:

I stpd coz my wfe mght read ur email tnx r d tme n space hpe u undrstand me

We were not born yesterday so we both knew that it WASN'T the reason.

And when I tried to explain my side, you responded, "

Ders no point of argument" You didn't acknowledge that there was an issue. Your text told me that you didn't want to talk about it, and that we had to sweep it under the rug. All I could say in my response was "ok." And then this text came in:

Words r smetmes hurting careful deds r smetmes 4gotten senstvty smetmes parting embarsing

Again, all I could say was ok. You were hurting, and I didn't want to argue. And then, the clincher fell:

Im 2 senstve im nt ok jas dnt tx me ok

I didn't get this message until after about 10 minutes after you sent it. Since you didn't want to hear from me anymore, I just kept my silence and did not respond.

It hurt at first. I didn't deserve to be dismissed the way I was dismissed. I was trying to explain my side, but I got ignored. And the irony of it all was there was no malice on my part. I never intended to hurt. In fact, I thought I was doing a favor by being completely honest about my feelings. But I tried to understand you. You were going through a crisis in your marriage, and I came in at a time when you were a little bit sensitive.

But with the hurt in me came the realization that perhaps we were not really compatible at all. When we met, you were looking for sex and I was looking for love in a place that's no different from Sodom and Gomorrah. Neither were we a sexual match. You had boundless sexual energy and were a little rough about it. I was a little laidback, trying to engage you more in conversation than in sex. And you seem to have a short fuse, blowing your top at what I consider minor provocations. I have had difficulty dealing with people who are short-tempered. And you're turning out to be one.

I hardly know you. So even if I watch my words, i could never be sure if I'm not really hurting you at all. I admit that, sometimes, I can't rein myself in and just allow words to issue from my mouth in the name of fun, of trying to elicit laughter. But this is really the point of my being unable to completely believe that you LOVE me because you hardly know me as I hardly know you. And I have observed that words of endearment (babes, mahal) come easy to you when you are done a favor. Which really makes me doubt your sincerity when you utter those sweet endearments.

And then another realization formed in my mind. You're making it easy for me to move on with my life. I know that if I get into a relationship with you I would be no more than like a querida to you, always second best, just waiting for "leftover" hours with you. And being like a querida is a role I will be very hardpressed to grow into.

From your last text, I knew that the earliest I would hear from you via text would be one week. I have no intention of texting you within the period because I have to give you space, if I correctly read the meaning between your lines. But while inside an old moviehouse in Quiapo, I received two messages from you, coming within 7 minutes of each other:

i read ur ym msge pls let m slep wel

Pls tx na sori 2

I replied, "Sori, read your messages just now. Please bear this in mind: Whatever happens, I will never think ill of you, as I do everyone. I wish you well. Have a good night's rest. Sleep tight." I said sorry because the earliest I could respond to you was 30 minutes after your first text (8:59 pm) had come in.

You didn't reply anymore.

I went home and ate supper. Since I couldn't go to bed yet because of a full stomach, I decided to come here to this cafe to surf the net. When I went online, I checked my YM for offline messages since you said you had read my last message. I was in for another puzzle of my life. Your offline message was: "

u have to be sensitive to the innermost sanctum of a person id rather be gud than to hurt"

For the life of me, I can't understand this. I AM a sensitive person. I would not willingly hurt anyone. It simply shows the painful fact that you do not know me at all and it hurts me to be accused of insensitivity. And the tone of "id rather be gud than to hurt" makes it all the more painful.

I wrote the article above last night and i'm retaining the subject title for your appreciation.

No, i'm not closing my doors to whatever it is that is between us. I'm not calling it a relationship for that would be presumptuous. But i'm not looking at it with great expectations either. Lowering my expectations is a defense mechanism on my part. It is my shield from further hurt and heartaches.

I might go to Santiago one day. Who knows? But I'm not going there for sex, for i can have all the sex in manila. But when i do, i have to make sure that what i'm going to meet there is a person i know inside out, a person whom i really like and love even, warts and all. And that person also knows me inside out and genuinely likes or loves me, not just my physical attributes (if there are any).

Your Friend,

The Little Prince