Remembering A Failed Relationship

Dear Friend,

Until now, I can't make heads or tails of what happened today between the two of us. I woke up this morning to a very inspiring message on my phone from you. I thought we had started the day right. But, boy, was I wrong!

We chatted on YM as if we had all the time in the world for idle talk. Until that fateful comment I made when you called me mahal. I said, "You always amuse me when you refer to me as mahal. I don't completely believe it. We have known each other for barely two weeks."

I can't remember the exact words of your response. But the tone said it all. You were hurting. In fact, the last line of your reply was "last tx".

That you ended the chat abruptly, stopped viewing me on my webcam and signed out of YM without even waiting for me to say my piece was, at the least, rude.

And then your text messages came in:

I stpd coz my wfe mght read ur email tnx r d tme n space hpe u undrstand me

We were not born yesterday so we both knew that it WASN'T the reason.

And when I tried to explain my side, you responded, "

Ders no point of argument" You didn't acknowledge that there was an issue. Your text told me that you didn't want to talk about it, and that we had to sweep it under the rug. All I could say in my response was "ok." And then this text came in:

Words r smetmes hurting careful deds r smetmes 4gotten senstvty smetmes parting embarsing

Again, all I could say was ok. You were hurting, and I didn't want to argue. And then, the clincher fell:

Im 2 senstve im nt ok jas dnt tx me ok

I didn't get this message until after about 10 minutes after you sent it. Since you didn't want to hear from me anymore, I just kept my silence and did not respond.

It hurt at first. I didn't deserve to be dismissed the way I was dismissed. I was trying to explain my side, but I got ignored. And the irony of it all was there was no malice on my part. I never intended to hurt. In fact, I thought I was doing a favor by being completely honest about my feelings. But I tried to understand you. You were going through a crisis in your marriage, and I came in at a time when you were a little bit sensitive.

But with the hurt in me came the realization that perhaps we were not really compatible at all. When we met, you were looking for sex and I was looking for love in a place that's no different from Sodom and Gomorrah. Neither were we a sexual match. You had boundless sexual energy and were a little rough about it. I was a little laidback, trying to engage you more in conversation than in sex. And you seem to have a short fuse, blowing your top at what I consider minor provocations. I have had difficulty dealing with people who are short-tempered. And you're turning out to be one.

I hardly know you. So even if I watch my words, i could never be sure if I'm not really hurting you at all. I admit that, sometimes, I can't rein myself in and just allow words to issue from my mouth in the name of fun, of trying to elicit laughter. But this is really the point of my being unable to completely believe that you LOVE me because you hardly know me as I hardly know you. And I have observed that words of endearment (babes, mahal) come easy to you when you are done a favor. Which really makes me doubt your sincerity when you utter those sweet endearments.

And then another realization formed in my mind. You're making it easy for me to move on with my life. I know that if I get into a relationship with you I would be no more than like a querida to you, always second best, just waiting for "leftover" hours with you. And being like a querida is a role I will be very hardpressed to grow into.

From your last text, I knew that the earliest I would hear from you via text would be one week. I have no intention of texting you within the period because I have to give you space, if I correctly read the meaning between your lines. But while inside an old moviehouse in Quiapo, I received two messages from you, coming within 7 minutes of each other:

i read ur ym msge pls let m slep wel

Pls tx na sori 2

I replied, "Sori, read your messages just now. Please bear this in mind: Whatever happens, I will never think ill of you, as I do everyone. I wish you well. Have a good night's rest. Sleep tight." I said sorry because the earliest I could respond to you was 30 minutes after your first text (8:59 pm) had come in.

You didn't reply anymore.

I went home and ate supper. Since I couldn't go to bed yet because of a full stomach, I decided to come here to this cafe to surf the net. When I went online, I checked my YM for offline messages since you said you had read my last message. I was in for another puzzle of my life. Your offline message was: "

u have to be sensitive to the innermost sanctum of a person id rather be gud than to hurt"

For the life of me, I can't understand this. I AM a sensitive person. I would not willingly hurt anyone. It simply shows the painful fact that you do not know me at all and it hurts me to be accused of insensitivity. And the tone of "id rather be gud than to hurt" makes it all the more painful.

I wrote the article above last night and i'm retaining the subject title for your appreciation.

No, i'm not closing my doors to whatever it is that is between us. I'm not calling it a relationship for that would be presumptuous. But i'm not looking at it with great expectations either. Lowering my expectations is a defense mechanism on my part. It is my shield from further hurt and heartaches.

I might go to Santiago one day. Who knows? But I'm not going there for sex, for i can have all the sex in manila. But when i do, i have to make sure that what i'm going to meet there is a person i know inside out, a person whom i really like and love even, warts and all. And that person also knows me inside out and genuinely likes or loves me, not just my physical attributes (if there are any).

Your Friend,

The Little Prince